Miserable At Best
by non dairy creamer
Summary: I can live without you, but without you I'll be miserable at best. SONGFIC


**Disclaimer: I own nothing/no one except the plot.**

Once again, my mind was set on one thing; getting her back. I admit I screwed up in the past and she has every right to hate me.

I told her we needed to see other people, because I didn't know if I really loved her or I was just a stupid little boy who was excited over being able to say "Oh yeah, I have a girlfriend."

Now, at almost seventeen, I realize that I really did and still do love her. But I didn't just figure that out. I figured that out maybe an hour after we broke up.

I watched her do what she loved to do the most, make people happy by using her gifts and talent. By that, I mean she sang. She sang every song with so much feeling it was unreal.

And that was when I realized I loved her. But I couldn't just go up to her and tell her I didn't mean what I said, because I probably had just broken her heart.

She'd probably never forgive me.

I heard from mutual friends that she was distraught and cried for a month straight. That really killed me inside. I felt like a complete bastard at that point.

But seven months ago I met someone else. She was a great girl… most of the time. She was an actress; she had her own Disney show. She was even starting a music career.

She was the lovey-dovey type. She'd hang on to me constantly, tell me she loved me over and over, kiss me too much and sometimes it got a little annoying.

She didn't even know how much she was helping me. She was filling the hole in my heart. Not fully, but enough that I was able to and wanted to get out of the bed in the morning.

My brothers hated her. They loved the other girl, she was their little sister. She was part of the family. At first they wanted to help me out, so they ditched her.

But now they realized something, they saw past the act. This girl now was just a replacement. There was nothing between us.

I despised the fact that I didn't love her and that I loved someone else. I wanted to love her, I wanted to move on and be happy with her, but I couldn't.

I dialed her number and on the first ring her voice came onto the phone. "Hey!" She seemed to be having a nice day.

"Hi Selena." I couldn't help but sigh knowing what I was about to do. "We need to talk."

"About what, babe?" She obviously didn't catch on to those four famous words.

"Us… Sel, I-" She cut me off with a laugh. "I know that you still love her. I was expecting this day to happen someday. I just didn't know it'd hurt this bad. I thought I could handle it, but I guess I'll get over it."

"I'm sorry. I couldn't keep lying to you and myself. I love you I really do, but not like that. I love you as a friend." Selena just laughed.

"You think we can be friends after this? You're pathetic, Nick. You should have never even gotten with me if you still loved her. Are you out of your mind? Well you are and I'm not. Thanks for using me." After that, all I heard was the dial tone.

I felt guilty, but not that much. I don't know why I didn't feel worse, but I guess that's a good thing maybe. I was focused on getting back the one I really, truly loved.

I dialed her number slowly then pressed go. It rang three times until her voice came on the phone. "Well this is a shocker. Hi!" She actually seemed happy that I called.

"Hey. How are you?" I heard her shushing someone who kept asking "who is it?" Something told me she didn't want me to know who she was with.

"I'm wonderful." I could hear the smile in her voice. I couldn't help but smile knowing she was happy. "I heard about you and Selena. I'm glad you're happy."

She had it all wrong. "Yeah, actually, Sel and I broke up. The connection just really wasn't there."

"Well that stinks. I'm sorry about that." She seemed truly genuine when she said that, she seemed like herself again. "Well it was great talking to you. I've gotta go, maybe we could hang out sometime soon, catch up."

"I'd like that." Maybe she felt the same too. "It was great talking to you too."

"Yeah, hopefully I talk to you soon."

"You too, bye Miley." I felt like our conversation hadn't even started yet, but she wanted to end it, I guess.

"Bye." She hadn't hung up yet, so I still heard her talking in the background. Her phone picked up everything, even whispers. "That was awkward. Way too awkward. I really have to call him back, Justin?" The phone cut off then.

Justin? Who was Justin? I didn't want to seem nosy, but I did have the right to know. Was he Trace or Braison's friend? Her new gay best friend? I didn't want to even think about the other possibility.

I decided to pretend like I was walking the dog and check things out. I slipped on a pair of shoes and ran down stairs, attaching the leash on Elvis' collar.

We walked out the door and down the street. Once I got to the third house down I slowed down and took my sweet time.

The blinds on the window were wide open and I could see her. It hurt sort of, knowing she was right there but was with another guy so I couldn't go say hi.

The guy, I assumed he was Justin, was leaning against the wall staring at her. She was on the opposite wall playing with a stereo.

Elvis conveniently decided to pee on her front lawn which meant I could get a closer view. Justin walked over to her and asked her something, she laughed and nodded. They started to dance.

Miley rested her head on his shoulder, he kissed her forehead. The worst possible assumption was true. Miley had moved on, she had a boyfriend.

I sighed and turned back around, heading home. I didn't want to believe it, it hurt more than anything I had ever felt.

I shouldn't have believed she was sitting around, wishing I'd call her and ask her to come back to me. I shouldn't have believed she hadn't moved on.

When Miley was upset, she'd still find the positive in the situation. Like with our breakup, she got a whole album out of it. As well did I.

But record sales and CDs don't make up for broken hearts. We were two kids in love, two inexperienced, naïve, in love kids.

The fact that we both were only fifteen probably made the breakup worse. It killed us both so much, yet neither of us knew what the other one was going through.

Miley expected an apology; I was a coward and never gave her one. I was too chicken to face her. I was too afraid to face her and those eyes that could kill you with one look.

My brothers blamed her at first and like an idiot, I believed them. I told myself it was her fault we broke up when really it was mine. Like an idiot, I asked my brothers for advice. They told me to "laugh off the relationship. Say you were children and had no idea what love was."

As always as the little coward brother, I did as they said. Miley and I's relationship meant something both of us, no matter what anyone said.

Everyone has a first love, I hoped and prayed she would be my first and only love, but things never went my way, ever.

Even after a year of being broken up, I still loved her. I just lied and said I didn't. I knew deep down that my whole family still loved and adored Miley. How could they not?

Her family and my family turned into this one big family. Once we broke up, each family took sides. Her mom and my mom were close, now they exchange dirty looks every once in a while when driving down the street.

I hate it.

-

My rolled awake for maybe the fifth time tonight. I couldn't get them out of my head; the image was sticking to my brain. I couldn't get the thought of Miley and Justin together out of my head.

It was nine in the morning now, so there was no point in trying to go back to sleep. I sighed and rolled out of my bed. I walked out of my room and down the stairs.

Kevin was sitting at the kitchen table with Joe. Joe laughed when he saw me, then Kevin hit him. "What's so funny?" I asked with a yawn.

"Stalking Miley, hmm?" Kevin threw down a paper he had printed out. I didn't notice any paparazzi, but that's them. They're professional hiders.

"I wasn't staking her. I was just walking my dog. Nothing is wrong with walking a dog is there? No! Just because he decided to piss on her lawn doesn't mean I was-" They both started laughing.

"Dude chill. No one thinks you were stalking her. We just know you." Kevin laughed and Joe looked away, starting to whistle. He knew something and I knew exactly what.

He and Miley started contact again a few months ago. "You knew about Justin, didn't you?" Joe stopped whistling and sighed, nodding.

"You didn't tell me why?" I was upset he didn't tell me, very upset.

"Because you were with Selena and she's been seeing him for two months. Damn, it's cold in here I'm gonna go get a sweater." Joe got up and ran away.

Kevin just shook his head. "You should have just been honest. She still _loved_ you. But unlike some people, she's moved on."

So she wasn't over me? My life was so confusing at this point; I had no idea what or who to believe.

-

It's been a week, a week since I've talked to Miley. I haven't had a good night's sleep in three days.

I was exhausted, but I couldn't sleep. It was just so hard, every time I closed my eyes I saw her with him. It was killing me.

My phone rang and it was probably the last person I wanted to talk to. But I answered it anyway. "Hey Miley."

"Hi Nick, what's up?" She seemed to be still happy. I froze, her voice just hurt to even hear. I didn't speak. "You there?"

"Um, yeah sorry."

"Is everything alright?" she asked with a concerned tone.

"Not really, Miley I have to be honest with you. I can't keep this in anymore. I love you, I never stopped loving you. I'm not over you. Let's no pretend you're happy and single any more, alright? You're happy and taken. I know about Justin." I took a deep breath and waited.

"I'm going to kill Joe with a fork." She seemed extremely pissed.

"No, when you were on the phone with me, I heard him, I heard you and you didn't have to call me back. I'm sorry."

"Yeah Nick, I'm sorry too. How could you put me in this situation? You broke up with _me_. I cried for God knows how long. And now I find out that was all for nothing?" She exclaimed. "Well guess what, I moved on. You need to too."

"I saw you with him Miles. You shouldn't have tried to act like you were all alone, it wasn't going to do anything for me. I was only with Selena because I needed to fill the void. I thought that eventually I could fall in love with her. But after time I realized I only was with her because she was trying so hard to be you… She's a wannabe. She's a good liar, I didn't like that. I broke up with her for us and then I found out you were gone. I miss you, I miss us."

"People make mistakes, Nicholas. Some are unforgivable. But I forgive you and maybe I'm going to forget you. It's better for me." She didn't understand the hell I'd been going through.

"Miles… I haven't slept since I last talked to you; I keep falling asleep and dreaming about you and him. It's killing me." She just laughed.

"Now you've got a taste of your own damn medicine. Do you know how much it killed me seeing you with Selena? I was so hurt, so heartbroken. I couldn't eat or sleep or even turn on the TV. Everywhere I looked you were there. I hated myself, I thought I wasn't good enough. You deserve this, Nick."

"I'm miserable." I felt like begging, getting down on my knees and begging.

I heard her start crying. "Well that's your choice. I chose to be miserable at best." The phone went silent. She had hung up on me.

I guess I could live without her, without her I'd be miserable at best.

-

Katie, don't cry, I know

You're trying your hardest

And the hardest part is letting go

Of the nights we shared

Ocala is calling and you know it's haunting

But compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright

And when we look to the sky, it's not mine, but I want it so

Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight

(I know he's there and)

You're probably hanging out and making eyes

(While across the room, he stares)

I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor

And ask my girl to dance, she'll say yes

Because these words are never easier for me to say

Or her to second guess

But I guess

That I can live without you but

Without you I'll be miserable at best

You're all that I'd hoped I'd find

In every single way

And everything I could give

Is everything you couldn't take

Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away

And the hardest part of living

Is just taking breaths to stay

Cause I know I'm good for something

I just haven't found it yet

But I need it

So let's not pretend like you're alone tonight

(I know he's there and)

You're probably hanging out and making eyes

(While across the room, he stares)

I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor

And ask my girl to dance, she'll say yes

Because these words are never easier for me to say

Or her to second guess

But I guess

That I can live without you but

Without you I'll be miserable at best

And this will be the first time in a week

That I'll talk to you

And I can't speak

Been three whole days since I've had sleep

Cause I dream of his lips on your cheek

And I got the point that I should leave you alone

But we both know that I'm not that strong

And I miss the lips that made me fly

So let's not pretend like you're alone tonight

(I know he's there and)

You're probably hanging out and making eyes

(While across the room, he stares)

I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor

And ask my girl to dance, she'll say yes

Because these words are never easier for me to say

Or her to second guess

But I guess

That I can live without you but

Without you I'll be miserable

And I can live without you but

Without you I'll be miserable

And I can live without you but

Oh, without you I'll be miserable at best


End file.
